We’re having a rough week. As a result, this will probably be a rough post. As I’m trying to identify my purpose for writing today, the only thing I can come up with is maybe I just need to vent. Maybe just put it out there that sometimes it’s just hard. Sometimes it just plain sucks. No matter how much love or gratefulness, there are bound to be those days, or weeks, or months that are just lousy. Maybe I just need a reminder to myself that it’s okay for it to be lousy.
We got some bad news about one of hubby’s family members this week. A loss of precious life, a reminder of our own very fragile mortality, something that hits home even more when you have a new life depending on you. And we’re tired… and I mean REALLY tired, all of us. Daddy works 65 hour weeks at a minimum and only gets one full day off, mommy still wakes up eighty six times every night then goes to work a nine hour day, and baby…. yah….baby. There are probably a lot of reasons why she’s tired. She’s getting new teeth, she’s learning a hundred new things every day, she’s taking a couple steps on her own, she’s triple the size she was just 10 months ago. I can imagine all of that is pretty exhausting. And the reality is that we just want to slow down, and how do you slow down when you can’t slow down? How do you give each day just one extra hour where you don’t have to do anything? An hour when you can just be a family and sit on the floor and talk and play, touch and snuggle, kiss and caress, stroke hair and lay heads in laps.
These are the days when I recognize a persistent fault in myself. I don’t just let people be grouchy. I have to fix it. Granted, being a problem solver is a trait that has served me well, especially professionally, but I bet for my husband and family it’s pretty irritating at times. Because if I can’t fix it immediately, then I feel like somehow I’m a failure, and I start adding my own grouchy to everyone else’s, when what I really want to do is just be the oasis. The place my family can go and know that their grouchy is safe with me. But instead I end up fueling the fire, and waking up in the morning wishing I hadn’t wasted the 30 minutes I could have put my head in hubby’s lap on tensely worrying about him. Sometimes the baby just needs to cry because maybe she had a bad day too, and instead of mommy trying every trick in the book to try and stop the tears, maybe she just needs to be held and rocked so she can cry. Sometimes hubby just needs to lose an ounce of patience, vent about work, curse the silverware drawer that NEVER closes correctly or seriously contemplate smashing all the dirty dishes because there are always too many of them for a family of three. Sometimes all you need is just to know that you’re free to be grouchy, and that you are loved endlessly, grouchy or not.
So we’re having a rough week, the three of us in the housie of grouchies. And starting today I’m going to make sure that those grouchies are safe with me.